LA LA LANAD

 

I have been on leave lately. I have enjoyed watching several movies, reading, creating art, doing crochet, and going for long walks when my little baby is in school. The other night, I opened Netflix, and I saw the movie La La Land come up. I am shocked to see that a decade has passed since it was released. It felt like yesterday. I cried a lot while watching that movie, shockingly more than while watching Hamnet. I know how passionate I felt when I first watched it in 2017. I was obsessed with the story, with the music, and all the dancing scenes. Playing that soundtrack in my car would really take me to La La Land while driving to work. I was passionate about life, about my work, and about the future. 

It was before the COVID pandemic, when life had different ways, and I  think most of us are not fully recovered from the pandemic trauma, and the post-pandemic price hikes and inflation. Before the pandemic, my plane tickets to home were booked 6 months in advance, and it was something to look forward to. I was constantly exploring new restaurants and places to eat out, shop, and meet people. My immigration to Ireland in 2025 is my first international travel since 2019. It does not count as a vacation; it was a painful immigration. I am the most minimal person right now when it comes to shopping. Buying clothes only when necessary, in solid and neutral colours. No more retail therapy, buying a leopard print blazer, and figuring out how to match it later! The last time I ate at a  sit-down restaurant was in February in Dublin when we went to get our resident cards. 

I can feel how different I feel now compared to 10 years ago. I used to feel young and alive, with a world full of opportunities ahead of me. I used to be excited about life and the future. Little things used to inspire me. I feel so numb these days. I do everything as a sense of duty. Get up and go to work to pay the bills, clean the house, look after my baby, and check on my parents. Work has lost its spark! That training registrar's adrenaline rush to learn something new has been replaced with burnout and defensive medicine. My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. Those good old dating days when we used to drool over each other are gone. It is a sad reality for most marriages when we hardly plan to do anything together, or dress up and go on a date for a change. In the new country, we do not have a nanny or a babysitter, so it is quite impossible to have some time with just the two of us. I guess this is what a midlife crisis looks like. After decades of hard work and juggling. 

I was hoping that with immigration to Europe, working in a more systematic and organized health care system, I would be happier and have a more balanced life. I was hoping earning a decent salary in a strong currency would give more opportunities to travel. As I am writing this blog, the world is in the middle of an energy crisis with Iran, Israel, and the US in a state of war. Following social media and the war news has become extremely exhausting. Yesterday I came across a comic cartoon of Donald Trump on Instagram,  dressed as Moses with his stick opening the Strait of Hormuz! It is an uncertain time of history, with more price hikes on fuel, flights, and groceries. No travel plans for me this year, and only saving and survival so we can pay the bills and put food on the table.